Pour some alcohol on those day old woulds,
       my darling keep in control.
Take a second glance down as you reach the last step up,
       my darling don’t fall back thinking someone will be there to catch you.
Smell the unexpected surly smell of settled dust,
       my darling don’t let it settle in your blood.
Watch as you grab the gauze and tourniquet in the old bathroom mirror,
       my darling watch as it keeps flowing.
Saltwater falling from your eyes as you run down these stairs
       my darling stay alive. 

i am yesterday, a passing season
or am i tomorrow, a season to come?
i live in the present, in spring where everyone must blossom.
but do i really belong in the past?
a snowflake disguised in the mist of cherry blossom petals
falling to the ground while i just evaporate as melt under the heat
into nothing?
or do i belong in the future?
a person sitting in the busy station 
trying to find the right train to ride on to somewhere better
waiting until the very last train comes and you must ride
to a destination undesired? 
maybe i am just a question mark 
the last grain on the hourglass that falls
marking the end of the hour. 

.

.

.

with a stack of CDs
and old, cold tea
come sit here under sheets
together we’ll see
a beautiful movie
just you and me 

i kept yesterday cradled in the palm of my hands
yesterday—a fading ball of light that used to be a star
absorbed all the warmth from the veins in my skin
absorbed it so much that yesterday is running through these links
a faded star, i guess that’s all i’ll ever be
yesterday, i’m searching for warmth
this world is a cold vast place and fire really hurts
love and light and dignity—they’re all going one way
but here i am, the cross hairs perpendicular to my heart
inject another yesterday from your reign in the clouds
i’m trembling, it is cold, and warmth feels wonderful
it’s dark, i’m fading
i’m fading
i’m fading 

we sat at the rooftop of your house
and we saw the city in blurs
we saw the city in bokeh
because our eyesight is weary
but we really shouldn’t rest.
i stood at the edge,
it was a ten foot drop
but i had no intent on welcoming the earth
with my scar-ridden wrists. 
you stood at the edge
it was a ten foot drop
you stood with me
surrounded by bokeh and
moths buzzing around the light pole
amazed by the brightness.

you stood with me
but didn’t exclaim my insanity
because the stillness of night 
and the nightlife of the city
was already too insane for the both of us.
you stood with me
and we conversed about passing time
and worn away lives due to the wish for
a settled down life.
we talked about chances and life and love
our scars, our births, our deaths and memories
and here we stood
chasing rooftops in the night with interlaced fingers
and the visible breath and the lack of warmth 

hello, fellow friend!
a friend who is not a friend
but is about to be one,
it is splendid to meet you.
you want me to talk about myself?
are you sure?

are you definitely sure about that?
really?
you would not want to be my friend.
oh well, here goes.

i write terrible prose and poetry
(it’s almost an instinct to me)
because there’s nothing else for me to do.
i am completely opposite of what “happy is”
i’m bruised all over inside,
beaten to the pulp
with not-so-eloquent screams of
how much i am a fucking idiot.
of course,
this is all expressed
in an attempt at poetry 
(like this one).

love is probably not an option for me
regardless of how much i am in love with the concept.
i am for sure certain that there are people better than me
who deserve people w a y better than me
so i don’t comply. 

i can explain more
but this sorry excuse for poem is getting too long.
i hope you stay, regardless of my hatred
not towards you or the world but to me.

i mean,
nobody really stays.
everyone leaves. 

i.
you were out of reach.
i tried to catch up, but you were a fingertip away.
i was a step too short, a breath too small.
you were a silhouette against the shining horizon
and that’s when i knew i stopped running
as you grew and grew with your shining studded rolex.
you were out of reach
but we had no choice but to part anyways.
this road divided into two:
you went right and i went left,
you towards the sun
and i towards the night

ii.
the road came back from two to one,
but a different “you” came back, not you but someone else.
you held a silent demeanor that did not speak much.
the crowd came by. you weren’t expecting to be noticed, were you?
hidden away behind extroverted faces waiting to be the light…
it’s okay, i’m hidden too;
we can be hidden together.
and hopefully as i reach out to grasp at the straws
that lay across the trench of the bottomless pit,
you will be there at the tip of my fingers,
and hopefully as i reach out with eager that maybe you will be at arm’s reach,
maybe i will feel the ends of your fingertips, reaching out to mine 

when you look back ten years from now you’ll think
“who the heck is this asian girl standing in the back?”“
i’ll just be another star in the sky
because there’s so many stars up there in the universe
and the brightest ones shine and the smaller ones hide away
i might not even have a chance for a supernova
because i am not that bright
and the brightest stars will have their chance to shine
to be remembered throughout the universe
and fade away as a legend

and here i am just writing words
that won’t matter ten years from now
but i guess that’s what i am
a faded star shining for no one 

a bag of garbage is all i am
lying against a brick walled alleyway
sitting still as time passes
broken pieces and forgotten leftovers
is all i am
they only come to me
if they have nothing else
left 

stop me from what i’m turning into
but i don’t know what i’ve become now
i’m scared
just like a child’s darting eyes
as she watches her parents fight
the trembling of the body in bed
who has found no more hope in anything
stop me from becoming
the person i don’t want to be